Just when you think Supernatural has given you the most pain it could ever give you - through so many deaths, through so many hurts -The Foundry goes and happens, and you find yourself unable to think straight, unable to sleep, sobbing tears of pure torment for the characters you love so much, for the heartbreak they're feeling, the devastation they're feeling, their shattered world. I literally couldn't believe how much it hurt. So much, that final scene of The Foundry hurt so damn much. I cried for 20 minutes after the episode had finished.
Intellectually I know why Mary left, but I just can't get there emotionally, I just can't, I'm struggling with it - no matter how much I hash it out on twitter, or whatever, I'm struggling with feeling the feels for her! I'll admit it...I'm a little mad at her...
I understand why she left, I understand she was struggling with this new world, her new circumstances. I've said how she must be feeling John's death as if it just happened yesterday, that she would be mourning a husband 10 years passed. I understand that her children are strangers to her and that she doesn't know them, doesn't know their history, doesn't understand who they are - not like we do. We know now she was plucked from heaven, from a heaven with her family, from happiness and peace, which is horribly sad. The confusion and the pain - the loss of years and the grief of that loss - I understand it all, I really do, but...
I keep thinking, there must be a thousand ways she could have explained all of this to the boys, a thousand ways to say it better, a thousand ways to tell them how she's feeling without making them feel less, without making them feel not as good as her memories of them, without making them feel like they weren't the sons she wanted, without making them feel rejected by the one person they have both longed for all their lives. A thousand ways that would also take their feelings into account while honouring her own. A thousand ways other than "I miss my boys", while she stands right in front of them....Sam: "We're right here" (me: *crawls into a ball on the floor*.)
I'm struggling to get to a place of any kind of sympathy or empathy when I see Sam standing there wincing at the sound of the door slamming, and Dean... Dean, so hurt, so shocked, so unable to comprehend what is happening that he pulls away and can't even look at her...putting up his walls and shutting down. He was in agony. I can't bear it.
Of everything I've seen Dean go through - of every crippling emotional destruction I've witnessed him suffer, this looked like it hurt him the worst. THE. WORST. He looked crushed. Confused. Wounded. Shocked. Broken. She broke Dean. I can't even.
Of course Mary doesn't know that Dean feels like everyone leaves him, what he's gone through and how much he's fought to hang on to everything he has, that family is everything to him. She doesn't know that Dean wears guilt like most of us wear clothes, or that for all his bravado and tough exterior, he feels so damn deep. That he'll probably look at this as him, once again, not being enough, not being as good as Mary's little boy, that he'll probably see this as a rejection of who he is, not being wanted by, of all people, his mother, of not being worthy of her love. Mary doesn't know that chances are, Dean will carry the guilt of Mary being taken from heaven, because even though it wasn't his choice, it was done because of him. Mary doesn't know all this about her eldest boy - but we do, and that's why we can see in his face and body, exactly how much Mary's walking away has crushed him.
While Sam is also hurting - he looked so damn forlorn, so small - he will probably be able to look at what's happened from his mum's point of view, he can do that, he can be more analytical, but Dean's not capable of being objective when his heart has just been ripped out and stomped on. His world, his memories, his ideals falling down around him.
They were finally a family - it's what Dean's always wanted, right back from when they were searching for John, he wanted them all to be a family again. Sam had the mum he never knew, the one he dreamt of and missed without even knowing it - the one that filled in his blanks. Dean had the mum that was taken from him, whose meatloaf and PB&J sandwiches, whose hugs he's held in heart for 33 years. Oh man. Now they've lost her twice, and this time, it was her choice to leave them.... owies in my heart....it was brutal. BRUTAL! BOB BERENS THAT WAS WAY HARSH (but super good in that painful Supernatural way).
Oh and to top everything off....Mary took John's Journal. Man, I was spewing over that I really was. I know Sam gave it to her to read, to help her fill in the blanks (like she was for him - GUH!), but I'm pretty sure it wasn't for keeps! That is theirs, their dad left that for them, they've carried it with them ever since, everywhere, it's always with them, it is their journey with their dad - and together, it is his legacy to them, and it's their connection to him, his words, his thoughts, his handwriting, their last piece of their dad. It's treasured...and Mary took it without even asking! That book - that belongs to John's boys, it belongs to Sam and Dean and she needs to give it back! I didn't realise how connected I was to that journal until it walked out the door!
I really needed to get that journal stuff off my chest!
I just wish Mary had found a way to stay long enough to discover what magnificent men her sons are.
I understand why she needed to find herself in this world, but I can't believe what she just did to her, to our boys.
(And yeah, I know she'll be back...)
(gifs via saucynewf.tumblr)
It's not like I didn't know it was all going to go pear-shaped and everyone was going to get hurt, it's not like I couldn't see where the story was heading! Have you seen Supernatural?
As soon as Mary asked Cas how long it took until he felt like he fitted in. As soon as Sam and Dean started talking about Mary struggling, as soon as we saw Dean trying to ignore the signs, as he does, while Sam tries to make him see it's not all rainbows and puppies, (how many times have we seen them have a talk like this), as soon as Dean said, "you're home now".... well it had to be going down heartache road.
"Can we, for once, just have one good thing". Awww Dean, I felt like he was speaking out to the Universe not just Sam with that one! Just one good thing....please. Awwww. Dean knows, he's just desperate not to see it; if he ignores it, maybe it'll all get better. So Dean, (so so many of us).
I loved Sam's line about how Mary is burying herself in hunting, how Sam recognises the signs from years of experience, "Like mother, like sons". Absolute perfect analogy - because that's exactly what she was doing, just as we've seen Sam and particularly Dean, do over and over. Bury themselves in the job so they don't have to think about their lives.
Jensen, Jared, Sam Smith - they were all tortuously amazing....everyone one of them. Sam Smith showed Mary's struggle so perfectly, Jared showed Sam's emotional turmoil brilliantly (the door thing was amazing), but Jensen...my God. His special skill really is saying so very much of Dean's emotional state without saying a damn thing. I think I gasped when Dean backed away - I felt it as strongly as if I'd been punched. It knocked the wind out of me. He was quite literally breathtaking.
My heart, my soul belong to Sam and Dean, they are my emotional connection to the show, they are the people I care most about, that occupy my hours, oh so many hours! I have been on this journey with them for 11 years, through everything they've been through, I know them, I love them and I will always put their welfare above everyone else's - I'm a bit like them that way! So when it comes down to what's happening now, it's their backs that I have. Maybe that's why I'm struggling to get to a peaceful place with Mary's decision - well not her decision, but how it played out - because it's the brothers who will always be my primary feels focus.
The boys have come a long way - together. Over the last couple of years, they've released some baggage, they've forgiven themselves and each other for past mistakes, they've accepted hunting and their life together and actually embraced it, they've even had some laughs, they've been in the best place both individually and together that they've ever been in. Dean in particular, has become far less hateful of himself, and they're stronger for it - for the openness, for the honesty, for the unity, for the solidarity.
I just hope that this set back doesn't send them - and by them I mean Dean - back into bad, self loathing, guilt ridden behaviours. I hope they can come together and face it as brothers and help each other, if not heal, at least understand. I hope they lean on each other.
When it comes down to it, like Dean said...him and Sam, they're all they have...and that's the way it's always going to be. It'll always come back to just Sam and Dean - this is after all, a story about two brothers, orphans, who have each other above all else.
So yeah - I'm hurting. I wanted next week's episode so bad so I could just see how they're doing! I need to know they're okay. I really need to know that.
That scene was one of the many things I loved about this episode - and even though it hurt the hell out of me, I did love it. The storytelling was fantastic, the hunt was creepy and old school ghosty, the scenes between the three Winchesters were all amazing, I love how deep and complex the feelings are that they're all dealing with, and how this situation, this miraculous, wonderful thing, is hard, and painful, and weird, and I adored seeing how much like Mary Dean is.
I think Dean always assumed he was like John. The passion for hunting, the drinking, the hard edge, the violence - I think he's always thought that he took after his dad, but that was more a product of hunting with his dad for so long, than who he actually is. How many times have you wanted to say that to Dean?
I guess because Sam's personality has more outwardly soft edges than Dean's, that he wanted to get out of hunting like his mum did, I guess there was an assumption that Sam may have been more like Mary, but I remember Henry saying how much John and Sam were alike, and over the last couple of eps we've seen Dean is absolutely his mother's son.
From the "good talk" to the bacon, the chilli lime jerky, the turning up the classic rock....maybe even the inability to really say how she was feeling - trying to plug on regardless and hunt through the pain - all of these things are so Dean. And seeing him realise that, the "we're so related" when Mary geeked out over bacon, the look of pride on his face when she dug the jerky (ewwww), just little things that he would never have known, discovering himself reflected back through his mum as he discovers her....it was heart clenchingly adorable....and makes what happened that much more painful! (Let it go, Amy, let it go!)
The Foundry really was Supernatural at its boiled down essence, scary, funny and emotionally destroying!
I so loved that we had a ghost hunt with good ole EMFs. Creepy ghost kids in a creepy rundown house. a ghost possession, a good ole salt and burn. I honestly think the ghost hunts are my favourites. I'm not sure if it's because it hearkens back to the early days of the show, or if I just like the spooky nature of them - especially when terrifying dolls are involved! Or not. I can't decide!
I loved the Partridge family aliases! I loved seeing the Winchesters working together and working the case in their own ways. Sam and Dean a well oiled team. and Mary going off on her own....ugh, I'm sad again!
Cas and Crowley - Agents Beyonce and Z! They can hunt together forever as far as I'm concerned! They were hilarious! And you know, they actually are a pretty good team! Cas sure has mastered sarcasm! I loved them! Also, Cas fixing his hair....he looked awesome actually, Misha's pretty is dialled up to eleven in season 12! Misha and Mark really got to stretch their comedic chops and I enjoyed the hell out of it (no pun intended). More of this please!
Rowena I am never going to worry about! She can totally look after herself. I am a little concerned that Lucifer has so much hubris he never saw that coming - though what did Dean once say to him, “the only difference between you and them…is the size of your ego”. Well yeah, that is most certainly what we’re seeing. I do hope Rick Springfield’s Lucifer will recover though, because I’m digging his take on the devil, and I’d like to see more of him (I think we are?).
I loved The Foundry from start to finish, everything about it, even the excruciating pain! So yeah it hurt like hell, but it was a goooood. One day I may forgive Bob Berens for piercing my heart (I kid, I love him!) I just want it to be next week - like now!
Thanks for reading....GROUP HUG!