It’s the final season of Supernatural. The final year. The final page to this chapter of this story. There has already been so much final talk. It’s final this and final that, and I wonder how I will take another nine months of this.
It’s already been an emotional year.
I was at Vegascon. The first con after the final season announcement. There were tears. On stage and in the audience. It’s not that the fans asked the questions, it was that Jensen and Jared gave the answers. Like they needed to talk about it, and we were the first group of fans they’d seen since announcing they were hanging up their boots.
I did Jensen’s meet and greet and cried. It was always going to happen. Talking about Dean’s journey with Jensen and both of us being so thankful for it…how could I not tear up. How could he not tear up? That meet and greet was all about the end. But once again, that was Jensen. Like he needed to talk about it.
I was at Chicago con a couple of weeks later, and thankfully, the subject of the imminent final year barely came up! That con was full of another kind of emotion. There was a freak snow storm and flight cancellations. I was on a rollercoaster. I was on my own and exhausted from a long holiday. Then my flight out of Chicago got cancelled, meaning I couldn’t make my flight home to Sydney. In amongst this trauma, Jensen and Jared decided that this would be the con they’d call me by my name. It was Amy this, Amy that. I nearly laughed out loud when Jensen greeted me at the autos with a hollered, drawn out, AMYYYYYYYYYYY. The fact that he blew me a kiss and told me he loved me just kind of ended me. I was already on the edge. His kindness pushed me over. I cried a lot in my hotel room that night. About my show. About my guys. About who I’d be without this thing in my life. About being stuck 9000 miles from home. About the friends and strangers who reached out to help and comfort me.
I was in Melbourne when the boys came here. Yes, I asked them a question about the end. Sorry. They tortured me over it. Poking fun at me mercilessly. Thanking me for bringing down the mood. It went on and on. Bless their hearts. But they answered honestly. Eventually. I hugged them every which way I could that weekend, because I feel the need to hang on to them right now. Hang on tight. Like they’re slipping away from us….
I was in San Diego, at Comic Con for their final panel. The final Supernatural Comic-Con panel. I was anxious all weekend. I was terrified something would happen and I wouldn’t be there. I was stressed and fretting. I don’t know how my friends put up with me. But they did. And there I was. In amongst the nearly 7000 people. There to celebrate this thing we all love so very, very much. I cried. A lot. When they came on stage. When they cried. When they couldn’t talk for crying. When my friends were crying. When they got a standing ovation. When they left that stage for that last time. I cried. So many tears. Then my friends and I all went for food. But mostly drinks. And we all cried some more. I think we were crying sad tears for the loss of something so monumental in our lives, and how scared we were about what that means, but also happy tears, for ever having had it, and for having each other. In that moment, one of the shiniest moments of my life, my gratitude just kept running down my face. I will always be thankful for that day.
Now I sit in my home, reading the quotes from the last Supernatural TCA panel. It’s final this and final that, and I wonder how I will take another nine months of this. But then I think about what Jensen said, “This is a long journey that I don't think is ever going to be over…”
It is a long journey. It’s the best of journeys. From that Monday night in 2006, when Supernatural first aired in Australia, to now and on into the future. The best of journeys. A journey through a story that has both lifted me up and crushed me. A story that has led me all over the world. On road trips through Texas, up Mount St Helens, down the waterways of Chicago in freezing sleet, up mountainsides in Vancouver, to the beaches of Hawaii, and next year, the grandeur of Rome. A story that has brought into my world so many friends. The best of friends. The kind that understand me on a level most people never will. The kind that reach out to me when I’m hurting, even if we’ve never met in person. The kind that will forgive me when I rant, will hold me when I cry, will make me laugh until my drink comes out of my nose. The kind that knows how to sit silently with me, because we don’t need words to connect what’s between us.
This story, this epic story has changed my life and the trajectory of my life in ways that sometimes I can’t even fathom. This spectacular story. It has opened my heart and my mind. It has brought a world of diversity into my world. A world of charity. A world of creativity. I am better for this story. In every possible way.
So how do I say goodbye? How do I say goodbye to the defining experience of my life? How do I ever let it go? I don’t. Because there are no goodbyes. These characters, they will always be with me. In my mind. On my TV. Alive in my soul. Their hearts beating in mine. These friends, they will always be with me. They are lifelong friends. They are forever. These actors, they will always be with me. I will follow their paths, where ever it takes them. I will champion them until the end of my days. Because they deserve that. Because they gave me so much. These memories. These beautiful, rich, and magnificent memories, they will always be with me. They will carry me through my future, with the downs it’s bound to bring, and the ups that will come along with them. Golden, emotion dripped memories. The memories that are still being made.
I have learned so much in the last 14 years. About myself, about people, about love, about loss, about the world, and one thing has been ingrained into my very being… Endings are hard, but then again, nothing ever really ends, does it?
We'll carry this precious cargo with us every, single day.
We'll carry this precious cargo with us every, single day.
It’s going to be a tough year of final this and final that, but I feel so blessed to feel so sad about this au revoir.
-sweetondean (AKA Amy)