The Journal of Dean Winchester - Season 9 Part 1

A work of fiction - by sweetondean
(warning for language)

Entry 1

Wake up Sammy, just wake up. I know you can do it. You’re stronger than this, man. You can’t let ‘em kill you like this. I won’t let you. Just open your eyes, and we’ll work the rest out. He’s gotta open his eyes. He’s gotta be okay. Come on Sammy, please. Please.

GOD’S HANDS? Was that Doctor fuckin’ serious? God’s hands? That is how we got into this mess in the first place, by playing God’s game. Now Sam is dead, or will be soon. Like I’m gonna trust my brother’s fate to God?? No. Not gonna happen. There’s gotta be a way outta this one. Gotta be.

I feel sick. What did I just do? I saved Sam, I think, but I had to trick him into it. Yeah...  I know he wouldn’t have wanted this, but he didn’t wanna die either. He told me that. He saw the damn light. He sees a life beyond this crap pile of an existence. So yeah, I’ve given him a shot at maybe having that one day. It was this or... It was this. No other choice. He ain’t gonna like it, I know it. But, maybe, just maybe, he’ll be thankful to be alive. I’m trusting this Ezekiel dude. And Cas vouches for him. Anyway, what's done is done. Sam’s gonna be okay now. That’s the important thing. Everything else we can deal with later. Sam’s alive. He’s getting fixed. It’s gonna be okay.

Entry 2

Great. The Bitch is back. Abaddon. Awesome. Something else to deal with. That was a close call. All around. I hope Sam swallowed my line of bull about killing all the demons. Is this Zeke dude gonna keep popping out like that? Because if he does, we’re gonna have to have a conversation. He’s supposed to be inside Sam fixing him, not suddenly appearing whenever he damn well pleases. That wasn’t our deal. Though, guess he saved Sam’s life. Again. I have a feeling I’m gonna be paying for this down the line. How’d everything get this screwed up? An angel inside my practically dead brother, the King of freakin’ Hell locked up in the bunker. Kevin’s flipping out. Poor kid don’t know the half of it. Jesus Christ if I can hold this one together it’s gonna be a fuckin’ miracle. And Sammy’s feeling great. He’s damn well happy. That’s good. I guess. Except he has no clue what’s really going on.

Entry 3

I’m gonna lose it. Cas died. Zeke brought him back to life, thank God. But then I gotta chuck him out of the Bunker? The guy’s eyes, the way he looked at me. I’ll never forget that look. He trusted me. He felt safe. With friends. I didn't want to do it...but I had no other choice. I don’t know how I’ll ever fix it with Cas. Maybe he'll understand when he knows why. Maybe not. And I don't know what to make of Zeke. He pops in and out so much, I’m gettin’ freakin’ whiplash. He’s worried Cas will bring the angels down on him? Why. What’s he hiding from? He's gotta be hiding something. I’m gettin’ real nervous. If he’s such a good guy, why would he be worried about being found? Damn it. I’m going crazy here. I can’t talk to no one about it. I’m bouncing off the freakin’ walls.

Entry 4

I feel like he’s stacking the chips against me, linin’ them up, waiting for his moment to call in his marker. But if he wasn’t here, Cas and Charlie would be dead. Thank God he could save Charlie. No way I could live with her blood on my hands. But I’m on my last nerve with this shit. I’m yelling Zeke's name at Sam. He’s suspicious as all hell. Askin' questions. The kid’s smart as a whip. I’m terrified he’s gonna put two and two together, chuck the angel out on his ass and wind up dead or worse. And there’s actually an OZ? Could life get any weirder? I don’t like Charlie going off with that Dorothy chick. She better look out for her.  Wicked Witch of the West… Fuck me.

Entry 5

Oh yeah. Sammy’s startin' to think something’s wrong. I keep lying at him, but he’s suspicious. One minute he's my brother and things seem normal and the next, he's not. I feel like I'm about to explode. I need to come clean. I gotta talk to Zeke and tell him we’ve gotta tell Sam what’s goin’ on. Just gonna have to risk it. I can’t stand this lying to my brother anymore. Not something this big. Somehow I’ll talk him into letting the angel stay put. I’ll figure it out. But he has to know. Though, can I risk it? Knowing him, he’d as soon die as be possessed again. Jesus. I don’t think I can risk it. It won’t be much longer. He’ll be fixed soon. The angel will go. I’ll tell him then. Once he’s well. He can hate me all he wants once he’s okay.

And whatever that mutt was gonna tell me about why dogs are really here is gonna haunt me for the rest of my days!

Entry 6

Steve the angel. Huh. Poor bastard. But this isn’t his fight anymore. Let him go live his life, be human, meet a girl, one that actually wants him and doesn’t try to kill him. Geeze Cas. Ha. I feel bad for the dude. I’ve gotta remember to check in with him now and then, make sure he’s doing okay. And do we believe Crowley? No reversing the angel fall spell? Yeah, well we’ll see. Everything that bastard says comes out crooked. I will say this though, if Sammy’s right and Crowley is addicted to the human blood… that right there is leverage.

Entry 7

Man, it was good to see Sonny again. And Robin. She grew up nice. I’d pretty much put that whole time out of my memory. Hadn’t thought about it in years. I’d forgotten how good I had it there. Wonder what would’ve happened to me if dad never came back? Or if I never got back in the car? Not that that was ever gonna be an option. I wasn’t leavin’ Sammy out there alone. Couldn’t leave Sam. No way. But still. I can’t help but wonder how I would’ve ended up, had I not stepped back into the life….

Entry 8

Okay, now I’m officially freaking out. I tried to tell Sam the truth and Zeke blocked me. Not only that, he pretty much threatened Sam. This whole, if he ejects me bullshit. This whole not long now. I dunno what to think anymore. But I’m starting to feel like this is all going nowhere good and fast. And why the hell would I be surprised by that? I’ve known from the beginning that it’d all end up biting me in the ass. But that didn’t matter, as long as Sammy was okay. But what if Sammy isn’t okay? What if this angel is just slinging me a line? I dunno what to believe. But my gut is screaming at me. Sammy thinks there’s something wrong with him. The kid is breaking my heart. I need to find a way to tell him what’s going on so he can stop kickin’ himself. Damn it. Everything’s going to hell as usual.

Good to see Jody though. And meet Suzy. Yeah, that part was real good.

Entry 9

I can’t. Oh God. Kevin, man I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I shoulda told you what was happening. I shoulda got you outta here. Protected you. Why didn’t I do that? Why the fuck didn’t I do that? The kid trusted me to take care of him. And now he’s dead. Like so many other’s before him. I’m poison. I can’t do anything right. Nothing. Everything I touch turns to shit or winds up six feet under. And Sam’s gone. Jesus. I don’t know if he’s even alive in there anymore. What if the angel burnt him out? I am such a fucking idiot trusting some angel I didn’t even know. Trusting him with Sam's life. Desperate fucking idiot. Who the hell has got my brother? Sammy. God. Okay, okay, I’ve gotta get my shit together. I’ve gotta go find that angel fuck and get my brother back, or put a stop to him, whatever I need to do. I’m not letting Sam live out his days as a piece of meat being dragged around by some angel douche. Oh God, I’m gonna be sick.

Okay Winchester, get it together. You did this, you fix it. However you need to. Fix what you can. I’ll find the angel. I’ll find Sam. I’ll find you Sammy, I promise. But first, I gotta take care of Kevin. Give him the burial he deserves. Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry, kid. I’m so sorry…

 Read part 2 here